From a Mother's Heart
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by Nancy Anderson
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When our college-aged son came to tell his father and me about his homosexual feelings, I felt as if the bottom had dropped out of my world. A flood of emotions enveloped me and each time the reality of his revelation returned to my conscious mind over the next days.
Our son had asked us not share this information with anyone. At that point we became the keepers of a very dark secret?one that was hidden even from other members of our family living under our roof. I was always looking over my shoulder checking out the situation before I dared say anything to my husband. I remember reading a book on the subject late at night after everyone else was in bed, and then hiding it under many things in the bottom of a desk drawer.
I knew we were in for trouble, for we could not change what we feel the Scriptures clearly teach about God?s disapproval of homosexual behavior for the sake of our son. He was beginning to believe that he had been born gay and had God?s approval on having a homosexual partner.
Many questions welled up within me. How could this have happened to us? What had I done wrong? What about our son?s future? Would he contract AIDS? Did he have it already? How could I bear to lose him? How could we ever share this with anyone? Where was God in all this? Could anything good come out of it all?
Most of the elements of grieving began to surface. I grieved for my son, because he had borne the pain of these unwanted attractions alone for a very long time, feeling that he could not share them with anyone. I grieved for our family, and the loss of the dream we had for him of marriage and his own family some day, and I grieved for myself. I was sure that this was all my fault, that I had truly failed as a mother?a task that I had undertaken both seriously and willingly.
Then anger surfaced. I was angry at his gay friends who were influencing him. I was angry at the circumstances of our lives that I felt could have contributed to his problems. I was angry at God for giving us a ?raw deal.? After all, we had served the Lord faithfully for many years. Was this the way he showed gratitude for our service to him? Sometimes I was angry at our son for putting us through this pain. Finally, I was angry at judgmental Christians who so easily condemned homosexuals while I listened in painful silence.
At times, guilt loomed over me. I was constantly looking inward to review my faults. I felt the shame of failure as a mother very acutely, and my self esteem had been severely shaken.
Finally, I began bargaining with God. I was sure that if I prayed long enough and hard enough, God would change my son. I set out to do this job. I remember my prayers being, ?God, keep this person out of his life, and don?t let him go there, and stop this...? on and on.
One day in my praying, God spoke almost audibly to me. He said, ?I am not a genie in your bottle to pop out and do your bidding!? I stopped my praying and sat in stunned silence to let what he had said to me sink in. ?What, then, God, do you want me to do?? I meekly asked. ?Does he belong to me?? came the next question. ?God, you know he does. We gave him to you before he was born. All we ever wanted for him was to know you and obey you, for that is where the only true happiness is.? ?Then let me have him!?
I pondered how to do what the Lord had just asked of me. Then I began to speak. ?God, I know you love him more than I do, and you have good plans for him. How you bring them to completion in his life is your business. You control his friendships, relationships, health, and the timing of it all.?
With that prayer, a great burden dropped off. Then I began to search the Scriptures to find verses I could pray back to God over my son. The most meaningful was from Philippians 1:6 which states, ?Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.? I began to remind God of this promise every time I prayed for my son. Several things happened within a very short while. We knew we had to stop preaching to him about the evils and dangers of homosexuality. This only led to anger and alienation on his part. My husband and I called a family meeting and set our son free to pursue happiness in his life any way he desired. This was, after all, his God-given, constitutionally protected right! We also reminded him that someday he would stand alone to give an account to God for his life.
Then we promised him we would not bring up the topic of homosexuality in a ?preaching? way to him again. If any discussion would occur, it would be because he wanted to talk. We also told him we would be willing to read his literature, and to discuss it with him for 15 minutes only at a mutually agreed upon time. Next, we assured him that he would never be rejected by us, no matter how he lived or what happened to him?including coming home to die of AIDS if that became necessary. Finally, we promised that his gay friends would always be welcome in our home, but in it no homosexual activity would ever be allowed. From that point on family get togethers became much less tense. We lived up to our promise at every point.
Next, we began to ?get a life? once again. I found interest in hobbies that I had let go during our grieving time. Rather than isolating, which had been my inclination, I sought out friendships. I let the Lord begin to minister to my hurts through caring people of our church.
When we genuinely let go of him, God was able to work in our son?s life. He gave him the desire to leave both the homosexual lifestyle and identity. Our family has been growing steadily closer together rather than apart. We are learning that in all things God can and does work for good.
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